I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
