I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
you had me at cake vodka
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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