Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
