Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
