Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
