I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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