Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
