so that wasnt chicken after all
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
