the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
