Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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