Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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