Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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