I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
