I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
We got so high we made milksteak
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
