you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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