Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
