Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
