i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
the day after is always just damage control
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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