Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
