I just pynch a tree in the face
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
