I CAN MOONWALK!
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
