The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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