if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
