Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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