We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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