can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
