The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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