Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
