you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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