Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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