in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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