dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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