we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
