Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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