If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
The air taste purple.
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