my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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