Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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