I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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