another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
