I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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