I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
My penis needs a shock collar
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
