Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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