Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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