I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I skipped work to stalk him.
that's an acceptable place to lick
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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