I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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