3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
