Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
