i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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