Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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