I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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