True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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