Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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