Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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