I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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