Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
