I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
