you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
