Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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