Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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