I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
it's like heaven, but drunker
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
