haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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