I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
