just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
