My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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