Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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