I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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