my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i think i have two assholes
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
