he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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