I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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