im six kinds of drunk right now
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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