just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
